


Caped Crusaders

by thebrightestbird



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Comics references, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-17 07:23:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1378858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebrightestbird/pseuds/thebrightestbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam shows Steve and Bucky the old 1950s show "The Adventures of Captain America and Bucky," starring William Burnside as Steve Rogers and Jack Monroe as faithful sidekick Bucky Barnes.</p>
<p>In other words, crazy "Captain America" comic book canon was actually a TV show.</p>
<p>No spoilers for "The Winter Soldier," but there's an "Agent Carter" spoiler because I couldn't resist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Caped Crusaders

Sam invites Steve and Bucky over to his apartment for a quiet night of pizza and a movie. The three of them seem to be going nonstop saving and defending and avenging. Some relaxation is definitely in order.

They’re on Sam’s couch with Steve in the middle, pizzas in hand, and Sam with control of the remote.

“Fellas, before I turn on the TV, I’m going to warn you. What I’m going to show you will, well, it might be overwhelming. It’s going to shock you, and there might be some crying involved.”

Bucky tenses. “No, no, no. Please, no more _Matrix_ movies.”

“No, man. And don’t hate on _Matrix_. Well, don’t hate on the first one, anyway.” Sam turns on the TV and scans his video library. “What I am going to show you is equal parts mean and hilarious.”

“ _Kingdom of the Crystal Skull_?” Steve asks.

“All right, enough with the film criticism, Siskel and Ebert.”

“Who’re Siskel and Ebert?” Bucky and Steve ask in unison.

Sam pinches the bridge of his nose. “Why do I even hang out with 90-year-olds? It’s too much work.”

Bucky and Steve just shrug in response.

“Anyway,” Sam continues, “I show you all of the movies in a film franchise because I am a completest. If I’m showing you the first great movie, I’m gonna have to show you all of the crappy sequels too.”

Sam clicks on a video called “AdventuresCapBucky1x01.mov” and the alarm bells go off in Steve and Bucky’s brains.

“Sam, explain,” Steve says.  “ _Now_.”  

“Fine, here’s some television history. I’m not surprised Fury hasn’t gotten around to telling the two of you about all of this.” Sam hits pause at the black and white title card that says, in bold, slanted letters, _The Adventures of Captain America and Bucky_ against a background of a billowing American flag.

“The S.S.R. was always ahead of the curve with ideas and strategy, especially in terms of war, security, and scientific research. You two know that better than anyone. What you’re probably less familiar with is their forward thinking in the field of public relations. The importance of propaganda during wars has mostly been understood, but the S.S.R. knew early on the power of branding and image control when it came to the organization’s special operations. So the Strategic Scientific Reserve became the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division, aka the memorable and very metaphoric acronym S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Steve and Bucky eat their pizza hesitantly, taking side glances at the title card on the screen as if it were about to attack them, and wait for Sam to get to the reason for such a thing to exist.

Sam pauses to take a luxurious bite, not really savoring the pizza but the slow build to what is going to be a spectacular pay-off of seeing the pained faces of the two men in his living room.

“Someone had the idea to try to bring back the super-soldier project and make a new Captain America. Luckily, Peggy Carter had the wisdom to realize they didn’t know how to replicate Erskine’s serum well enough for a predictable outcome.”

Sam gives a respectful pause after mentioning Peggy. Steve looks down for a second, then back up to nod for him to continue.

“But she also realized that there was a need for Captain America in some form. His values, his persona. With the Korean War raging and the world still as unstable as ever, the brand of hope you brought, Steve, was really missing.”

Sam pauses again for another long bite of his pizza, and Bucky’s impatience finally gets the better of him. “So what did they do?”

Sam just looks at the screen. Steve and Bucky slowly turn their heads too.

“A TV show?” Steve asks. “S.H.I.E.L.D. created a _TV show_?”

“Since when is S.H.I.E.L.D. doing television?” Bucky asks.

“Since the 1950s,” Sam answers, then hits play on the remote.

After the title card fades, the words “Starring William Burnside as Steve Rogers” appear and a man holding his shield up against a barrage of invisible bullets jumps into frame behind the floating letters.

“They used my USO costume?!” Steve is outraged.

“Yeah, S.H.I.E.L.D. thought it was an effective look for entertainment. They wanted the show to be extremely kid-friendly.” A big smile suddenly spreads across Sam’s face. “And speaking of kid-friendly …”

Steve’s double fades from the screen and new words appear: “And Jack Monroe as faithful sidekick Bucky Barnes.” A man appears wearing a similar style of tights, gloves, and boots to Steve’s USO uniform, but the jacket is similar to Bucky’s jacket during the war. He’s also wearing a small mask.

Bucky’s eyes go wide. “ _What the hell_?! That’s supposed to be me?”

Sam is shamelessly laughing. “Nice shorts, man!”

Steve is trying not to laugh. Bless him, he’s trying so hard. “It sort of works,” he says, lamely trying to soothe Bucky’s agitation.

“Forget about the outfit a minute. What’s with the ‘sidekick’ act? I was a sergeant. I was squad leader after Steve. We were _partners_.”

“Don’t worry,” Sam says. “The history books know that. But S.H.I.E.L.D. thought a show about war needed someone kids could relate to. So you became the kid sidekick.”

The actors playing Steve and Bucky are now standing side by side defending themselves from invisible assailants. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast and crew are listed on top of them.

Steve scrutinizes the screen. “Kid? The guy who plays Bucky doesn’t look much younger than the guy playing me.”

“William Burnside, the guy who plays you, Steve, had some dirt on the producers and got Jack Monroe the role of Bucky. They were best friends off-screen too.”

The episode starts in a tent that is much roomier than any of the actual tents during the war. “Steve” and “Bucky” are staring at a map on a table.

“Golly, gee, Cap,” “Bucky” says. “The Red Skull is at it again. He’s stolen a caravan of Allied food supplies.” The real Bucky cringes on the couch, and Steve hears him mutter something about how he “oughtta smack that dumbass mask off your face.”

“Steve” clasps a hand on “Bucky’s” shoulder. “Never fear, chum. We will stop his tyranny. With us and the Invaders on the job, his evil doesn’t stand a chance.”

“Invaders?” real Steve asks. “What about the Commandos?”

“Another part of the whole kid-friendly aspect of the show. Unfortunately, your super abilities weren’t glamorous enough for TV.” Sam smirks then. “So you got a team with flying abilities, Cap.”

Bucky leans closer to the screen. “Whoa, are those two supposed to be on fire? And why is that one only wearing underwear?”

“The underwear guy’s from Atlantis. The other two members of the team just happen to be able to engulf themselves in flames _and_ fly. Because those two things obviously should go together.” Bucky can’t tell whether Sam is being sarcastic of the idea or is truly jealous.

It’s Steve’s turn to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Did a 12-year-old boy come up with these characters?”

“The rumor is that Dum Dum Dugan had some input in creating the other characters to make up for the Howling Commandos not being on the show.”

Steve and Bucky share a smile with the mention of Dum Dum.

They watch the rest of the episode mostly in silence except for Sam’s laughter at the expense of Steve and Bucky when one or both of their on-screen counterparts awkwardly fights the Hydra soldiers or drops a corny line.

“So what’s the verdict?” Sam asks as the end credits roll.

“What do you think we think?” Bucky asks. “That’s some crap television.”

Steve rolls his eyes. “It was certainly … creative,” he says more amiably than Bucky. “How long did it air?”

“Just two seasons. Things started getting pretty wacky behind the scenes. S.H.I.E.L.D. washed its hands of the show after Season 1 when they had you two fighting a version of Arnim Zola that was a head in some big robot’s torso.”

“What the fuck …” Bucky mutters.

“Yeah, I can’t wait to show you two that one. Anyway, the rumor is that Burnside was going kind of crazy. The usual combination of fame and lots of drugs. He quit the show convinced that he could make a better superhero show himself. He managed to get enough cash for a pilot that never aired. Something called _The Grand Director_.”

“I’m not sure why,” Steve says, “but I’m sort of sad a show about us wasn’t successful.”

“You two were _real_ heroes,” Sam says. “Copies, even on a TV show, just can’t compare.”

They all stay quiet for a minute to ponder the truth of that. If all of the knock-off super soldiers they’ve faced during the years are any indication, there are too many mad scientists in the world without Sam’s wisdom.

“There’s a happy ending for Burnside though.”

“What happened?” Steve asks.

“Remember I said Jack Monroe and him were real-life best friends. Well, he helped Burnside get clean and came up with the idea of giving one more superhero show a try. Burnside decided that what was missing from _The Grand Director_ was the kind of heart that was in Captain America. So he created the TV show _Nomad_ and made the hero’s real name Steve Rogers. It ran for seven seasons.”

“You’re going to show us all seven seasons, aren’t you?” Bucky asks.

“As much as I love babysitting the two of you, I would like to find a Mrs. The Falcon someday, and that requires getting out of the house sometime. You two should try it.”

The blankest faces on earth stare back at Sam. Hopeless idiots.

“But I’ll show you two some clips because I need one more good laugh for the night.”

He clicks on a video and Burnside pops into frame wearing the tightest outfit possible with a V-shaped opening at the torso.

“Is that blue spandex and a yellow cape?” Steve asks.

Bucky’s already burst into tears from laughter. “Shit, Steve. I should’ve never pushed you to keep your costume during the war.” More laughter. “Why didn’t I think of a cape?! So intimidating!” He snorts some.

“Does Nomad fly?” Steve asks.

“Nope,” Sam answers.

Bucky’s still laughing and squeaks out a “then why does he fucking have a cape,” then tries to suck in some air.

Steve doesn’t ask anything else for a minute. He just looks pained. “And this was more successful than the Captain America show?”

“Sorry, buddy,” Sam places a hand on his shoulder. “But you’ll feel better after I show you a clip from one of the later seasons.” He stops the current clip of Burnside in midpunch. “And by the way, I kind of dig the open V look. Might consider it for myself.”

That gets a smile out of Steve that gets even bigger when he sees a brunet leaping onto the screen wearing a similar costume to Burnside’s Nomad.

Bucky’s definitely not laughing now. “Is that who I think it is?”

“Oh, yeah. Burnside decided to quit acting after Season 2 and just produced and directed episodes afterward. He passed the cape and tights onto Monroe, who really owned the role for the rest of the series.”

Bucky’s lookalike has longer hair than he had on the Captain America show. His Nomad costume is a darker blue, almost black, but he still has a stupid cape.

Bucky almost accepts all of this because, hey, it’s not like that’s actually him on screen, when a young girl in a mask and a blue costume of her own appears next to Monroe. “Who’s that?”

“That’s, uh …” Sam scratches the back of his head. “Bucky.”

“Yeah? What?” Bucky’s growing more confused.

“No, man. That’s _her_ name.” Sam has the decency to look embarrassed. “Her name’s Bucky.”

It’s Steve’s turn to laugh uncontrollably. “You’re serious?”

“Monroe had a daughter who wanted to act. So she joined the show as Nomad’s adopted daughter and sidekick, and well, what else was he going to name the annoying kid sidekick to a superhero?”

"Robin, that's what." Bucky then snatches the remote, shuts the TV off, and throws the remote behind the couch. “Next time, jerk, I pick what we watch.”


End file.
